Lately, I've felt lonely, like I'm pulling myself through a desert, parched and wanting. The irony of this loneliness? It's there, even when I'm surrounded by a crowd or with someone who cares for me. My heart echoes into a solitary darkness even then.
This experience has sent me into contemplation of a type of loneliness we don't mention much. I've named it "the loneliness of the soul." Someone recently reminded me of the character I most identify with in The Lord of the Rings--Frodo. Throughout the story, Frodo carries a heavy burden in the form of a ring, and the farther he carries it, the weaker he becomes. The following quote from Frodo in the third movie hit me like a gut punch: "I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. Instead I'm naked in the dark. There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire! I can see him with my waking eyes!" Frodo is with Sam, his most loyal friend in the world, and still, he's alone, naked in the dark, because the war resides in his soul.
Our world abhors loneliness. It's almost a crime to be lonely or admit you feel lonely. We're supposed to be happy, community driven people, and to confess you still feel empty, well, that brings a thud down on the party. I think it's even more anathema in Christian circles. You have Jesus with you so how could you ever feel lonely?
I decided to see if there were people in the Bible who felt lonely. Here are a few I found:
-In Genesis 29, Leah is lonely. She is unloved by her husband even when she has baby boy after baby boy for him. She longs for his love but she cannot get it.
-In 1 Kings 17, Elijah is alone in the wilderness, feeling like the only one left who stands up for the Lord.
-In Psalm 142, David feels that no one notices him, that no one cares for his soul, that he has no refuge.
-In 2 Timothy 4, Paul felt deserted during his imprisonment.
-Even Jesus felt alone, crying out in Matthew 27, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"
Each of these people were not actually alone as we usually define the word. Leah was surrounded by an entire camp. God told Elijah there were other people following Him. Jonathan was David's closest friend and supporter. Luke was with Paul. Even some of Jesus' friends stood at the foot of the cross near him. So why did they feel lonely?
There's a loneliness that comes from the distress of the soul, when the soul feels empty and void. Why does it feel this way? Because as much as we may not be alone physically, no one else is able to feel exactly what we feel. No one else can walk in our soul. We feel the pain, suffer the darkness, crack because of the thirst. As much as people care for us, they do none of these with us. We suffer internally, and as such, we suffer alone. This is the loneliness of the soul. In more modern terms, it might look something like the following:
-An ex-wife feels lonely after her divorce, losing love, tenderness, and trust.
-A teenager feels lonely when depression and self-worth overshadow difficult years.
-A mother feels lonely when her child rebels and denies the sacrifices she has poured out day after day.
-A father feels lonely when his only child dies, and he passes an empty bedroom every morning.
And so on. Trauma and grief are a path walked in the inner man and we walk alone.
So how do we make it through?
Each of the Bible characters mentioned previously found an answer in their God. Leah praised the Lord. Elijah heard the whisper of God's voice. David cried out to God in prayer. Paul recognized God stood at his side. Jesus committed his spirit to the Lord.
First, like our Biblical examples, we must put our souls in the hands of our God. We must recognize that although we feel the loneliness of our soul, the Holy Spirit is there within. God knows what it is to face the loneliness of the soul. He understands our pain. He listens and hears our cries.
What of the people in our lives who reach out to care for us? What can they do even if the loneliness persists in their presence? I think in reality, they don't need to say very much at all--they simply need to be there. When Frodo felt the overwhelming darkness of his burden, what did Sam do? He picked Frodo up. He carried Frodo when his friend couldn't take another step. He was there. I think that more than anything makes all the difference. Be there for those lonely in soul. Listen to them. Pray for them. Carry them when they can't carry themselves.
I'm lonely in my soul. There is grief and trauma and pain that is making itself particularly known right now. My loneliness isn't a sin; it's a consequence of a broken world. Instead of pretending loneliness away, covering it with a smile and the pretense of being happy, I think we'll heal faster if we admit it, become vulnerable, and tell others we feel "naked in the dark." And then... Redirect to Jesus. Ask for prayer. Listen to the counsel of the Spirit. And let others carry you when the burden of your lonely soul is too much for you to bear.
